And one thing about me that I’m actually okay with is the fact that I can say I’m alright and change the topic in an instant.
I like that.
I like a lonely mind sometimes.

I lost my mind today.
Very briefly.
I had a good day, though. I woke up to my boyfriend. Had a nice day at work. Had a good creative flow.
Until out of nowhere
I lost my mind.
And I had only two options in my head
That could have ruined everything.
And they were the only two options, it seemed.

So I lit a cigarette and sat in the hot tub instead.

Another mushy post

tl;dr this is my own documentation.

You know that feeling you get
when everything is brighter
when everything seems nicer
when you feel like the world’s not that bad of a place
when you still sense the sunlight when it rains
when you wake up looking forward to the day, feeling renewed, ready to take on the world
you feel okay
you feel complete
you feel like nothing can stop you.
Since Ryne and I took our relationship from ‘best friend’ to ‘boyfriend, girlfriend’ I feel like that. I never knew I would feel so great being with somebody. I actually feel emotion. I actually feel loved. And I give him all the love I can in return. If I could hand this guy the world, I would. But him knowing I’m broke and hardly have material things to offer, he still loves me the same. He brings me roses and chocolates. Which I used to be the girl who said ‘ew those are pussy sweet things’ but being the girl that received those gifts for the first time in her life, I threw out that ‘tough girl’ persona. Maybe this is the first time I let down the walls or could actually be myself. I mean I have completely been myself around him for a year before our relationship started earlier this month. He doesn’t let me stand alone when I’m making a fool of myself. Now I can openly like electronic music and the color pink sometimes. I can enjoy dancing with him in candlelight to She & Him’s ‘Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas’. I can lay in bed all day during the many storms we’ve gotten lately and not be bored with it. And we can make fun out of any situation. ‘Ugggh idk what to do today’ well it looks like we’re on our way to the City Museum. Ohay why don’t we attempt to have a picnic under the arch and fail because we spend too much time in the mall looking at pretty things and figuring out which flavors of Powerade we want since it’s on sale and get Subway instead of making a sandwich then resort to a smaller park without realizing how cold and windy it was outside but still ate there anyway. I inevitably have fun with him. Best friend. Boyfriend. He’s a whole 2 in 1. Complete package.
Not to mention that he’s been there for me more than anybody else ever has. He’d work hard to solve a crisis for me, even it was the tiniest thing. He’s watched me go through boyfriends and grow out of them. He’s helped me when I’ve been heartbroken and depressed. Watching from the sidelines but running in to pick me back up when I was down.
And out of all these guys I’ve been through lately, I haven’t cried harder for any man in my life when we’d get in arguments. I even bawled my eyes out drunk at 5am to my boyfriend at the time because Ryne and I got into an argument over me being distant. Like I seriously have no clue what I would do without this guy. At all. Shit, I still cry at the mere thought of him not being by my side. I am right now. It’s ridiculous.
I just never thought I would have anybody as great as him. Nobody understand the amount of love I have for this guy. Yeah, yeah, you’ve all heard it before. ‘Oh, this guys different, I really like him.’ No. This is my best friend. This is somebody I couldn’t lose from the start. Somebody I could hardly go a day without talking to at least once. From the start, even.
I admit I added him on Facebook because I thought he was cute. Not because ‘Oh you look like somebody I used to go to school with’ even though he has the most distinct features ever. He even knew I was bluffing. ‘HEY WE’RE BFFS OKEY’. Well ok. I messaged and texted him everyday. I’ve told my girly friend about him. ‘Is it ok that I have a crush on this dude?’ ‘Well yeah’. Called him drunk saying I’m in ‘stranger love’ with him. Hahaha. Unfortunately at the time he was basically in love with this chick that kicked his heart in the face repeatedly and I had to sit there and help him as much as possible. Met him at diners. Went on car rides with him. Talked to him til the AM. And I’ll be there for him until the end. I won’t kick his heart in the face. Not even once. He deserves full love and attention. He deserves all the cuddles, kisses, and slow dances. He deserves everything nice in the world. In the universe.

Nobody will ever understand how much I adore this man.
Nobody will ever understand how much of a positive impact he’s made on my life.
Nobody will ever understand how excited I get when I even hear his name. The butterflies I always get when he kisses me. The inevitable happiness that accompanies his presence, even in my thoughts.

I will make a promise that I will, til the day I die, stay by this man’s side forever. No matter what happens.





And I could seriously write a novel of my feelings for this man, but it’s 5:27 am and my eyes are burning.
fin.